AA RUINED MY ISOLATION

I sat in that circle while I was in therapy, but I had no intention of telling anyone how I truly felt or what I thought about myself.

I would, however, gladly tell everyone else what I thought about them and their situations. I had no problem explaining how they could fix their lives or pointing out how fucked up they were.

Meanwhile, I shared superficial nonsense about myself that allowed me to remain safely stuck in my sickness.

Thank God I had a counselor who wasn’t having any of it.

He was a tough old bastard who would look you directly in the eye and say, “You’re full of shit.”

If you told him you were trying, he would answer, “Trying is lying. Do it.”

Man, I hated him for some of the things he said. That entire group annoyed the shit out of me for quite some time. They constantly pointed out things about me that I didn’t like—even worse, things I knew I needed to change.

My stinking thinking was one of them.

They say alcoholics are egomaniacs with low self-esteem. I always related to that. I felt terrible about myself, but I certainly wasn’t going to let you know it.

I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but eventually I reached a point where I didn’t care as much about what people thought of me.

This is who I am. This is how I think. I make no apologies for being honest about it.

I finally started telling someone exactly how I felt about myself.

Keeping the focus on myself still isn’t easy. I don’t practice any of this perfectly. I’ve allowed my old ways to creep back into my life more than once—far more times than I care to admit.

What I did, however, was stay sober.

I went to meetings and shared. I picked up the phone and spewed whatever I needed to spew. I took commitments in AA. I made coffee and cleaned ashtrays.

Yes, ashtrays.

The meeting rooms were filled with cigarette smoke back then. Imagine a church basement packed with alcoholics getting better while swimming in toxic fumes. It sounds insane today, but somehow it worked.

Don’t let me make any of this sound easy, because it wasn’t. I fought the process tooth and nail. I wanted no part of telling anyone the truth about what went on inside my head.

Eventually, the pain became stronger than my resistance. The torment between my ears got so bad that I either had to let out what was inside me or explode.

For me, exploding usually meant two or three days of drinking and doing plenty of dry goods. Drugs are a significant part of my story. I’m a true addict. I will abuse anything that makes me feel good.

I’m a feel-good freak.

AA ruined my drinking, but it also ruined my isolation.

In spite of myself, I started getting better. As I got better, I shared more honestly. The more honestly I shared, the more connected I became. Eventually, I began to believe that maybe I was worthy of the life I had been given.

I believe the universe gives us what we need. Some people rely on God or the gods. My Higher Power, whatever it may be, has always provided what I needed.

It just hasn’t always been what I wanted.

This is an action program. We don’t think ourselves into a better life. We take action, tell the truth, and allow other people to know who we really are.

Go take some action today.

You may be amazed by how much better you feel.

soberthroughtheyears.com

#soberthroughtheyears #Genx #AA #AlcoholicsAnonymous #Recovery #Sobriety #AddictionRecovery #OneDayAtATime