Are We Ever Ready?

Recovery doesn't make us ready for change. It gives us a way to go through change without running from it.

I wasn't ready when I got sober. I wasn't ready when I got married. I wasn't ready when we bought our house, when I started a landscaping business, or when my son was born.

Come to think of it, there have been a whole lot of things in my life that I wasn't ready for.

But one thing has remained constant since I was 21 years old. I've been sober.

And what I've learned over the years is that it doesn't necessarily matter whether I'm ready or not. Sobriety has allowed me to handle life on life's terms. Sometimes I've handled things really well. Other times, not so much. But I've been able to walk through most of life's challenges with the help of friends, family, and the people I've met in Alcoholics Anonymous.

My first five years of sobriety were pretty wild.

After hitting that magical 365-day mark, I decided it was time to go live on my own. About a year later, I met my future wife. We got married, went through a miscarriage, and eventually moved back in with my mom and dad, who were kind enough to build us an apartment.

Somewhere along the way, we had an opportunity to purchase her grandmother's house.

I had left my union job because I was miserable, started selling real estate, and eventually went into a landscaping business with a friend.

Then my wife got pregnant, and we bought the house.

Did I mention the house needed to be completely emptied and torn apart? The place was a disaster.

So there I was. A pregnant wife, living in an apartment at my parents' house, rebuilding a Cape from the inside out, running a landscaping business, working twelve-hour days, and, of course, going to AA meetings. 🤣

Looking back now, I think, holy shit, that was a lot.

But at the time, it was just life. I wasn't ready for any of it.

What I was, was sober.

And I was learning something incredibly important. I didn't have to know how to do everything. I just had to be willing to ask for help.

I remember doing some landscape design work when I really had no idea what the hell I was doing. A local nursery was owned by someone I knew from the rooms, so I walked in and asked him for help.

After a while, he looked at me and said, "How the hell are you going to do this?"

My answer was the same one I gave pretty often back then.

"I don't know."

He ended up helping me tremendously over the years. He taught me so much about the business, and I'm still grateful for that.

I had people willing to help me mentally, physically, and spiritually. That made life a whole lot easier, and it still does today.

But not everything in life is something you can work harder at, figure out, or ask someone to teach you.

When my mom passed away, I wasn't ready.

Not even close.

I miss my mom and dad. I guess that's a sentence I'll always find myself saying whenever I talk about them. 😊

I've written about losing my mom before, and it's one of those experiences that you simply have to go through. There's no easy way around it.

And I went through it, all right.

It was brutal.

It took years before I could mention my mom without crying. Even now, I still tear up occasionally. I suppose that's pretty normal for us humans.

I don't know how I would have gotten through losing her without my sobriety and the people I had around me in AA.

Meetings and my support group were my rock.

I cried. I shared. I talked about her over and over again. I'm sure after months and months of listening to me, there were a few people thinking, here he goes again.

To be fair, I was getting tired of hearing myself, too.

I didn't want to be sad anymore. I wanted to be able to talk about my mom without becoming a blithering idiot.

Eventually, I could.

But it didn't happen on my schedule.

It took much longer than I ever imagined. The pain, the loss, and that emptiness were overwhelming at times.

So how did I handle it?

I went to AA, and I let it out.

I accepted the love, support, and guidance of the people around me. I kept going to meetings. I kept talking. And I kept moving forward, even when I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere.

Because I didn't particularly like the alternative.

When I think about all of this, I realize just how fortunate we are to have Alcoholics Anonymous in our lives.

We don't have to go through life alone anymore.

Think about that for a minute.

When I was 21, I had no idea what my life was going to look like. I certainly wasn't prepared for everything that was coming.

Nearly 39 years later, I still don't know what's coming next.

I know that I'm knocking on retirement's door. I know that I love spending time with my grandkids. I know that staying on Long Island may be too expensive for us. And I know that we're at an age when anything can happen physically.

I'm not really sure I'm ready. 😁

Then again, when have I ever been?

There's still so much life ahead of me, and probably a few things I haven't even imagined yet. Thankfully, I don't have to figure them all out today.

I've got another day coming.

And that's okay.

I don't have to be ready for everything.

I just have to stay sober, remain willing to ask for help, and remember that I don't have to do any of this alone.

There is this vast network of strangers that are willing to help you. All you have to do is ask.