Getting Sober Didn't Automatically Make Me a Better Parent

Getting sober didn't automatically make me a better parent.

That's something I think a lot of us have to learn.

When we first get sober, we're doing something enormous. We stopped drinking. We stopped using. We're showing up again. And somewhere in the back of our minds, we may think that should fix everything.

But our kids didn't just experience our drinking or drugging.

They experienced us.

They experienced the times we weren't really there even though we were sitting in the same room. The irritability. The broken promises. The mood swings. The defensiveness. The times they needed our attention and we were wrapped up in ourselves.

And unfortunately, some of those behaviors can follow us right into sobriety.

We can still snap at somebody.

We can still get defensive.

We can still shut down when we don't want to hear something.

The difference today is that I have a responsibility to recognize it.

That's where Step Ten has become incredibly important to me.

"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."

That sounds pretty simple until you actually have to do it.

Especially with your kids.

There is something humbling about looking at your child, no matter how old they are, and saying, "I was wrong. I shouldn't have spoken to you that way. I'm sorry."

No excuses.

No "but you did this."

No explanation designed to somehow turn our apology into their fault.

Just admitting we were wrong.

I think sometimes parents believe apologizing to their children makes them look weak.

I believe the opposite.

Our children already know when we screw up.

We aren't revealing some great secret to them.

They were standing there when it happened. 😂

What matters is what we do afterward.

Recovery gives us an opportunity to show our children something they may not have seen from us before.

Accountability.

Humility.

Consistency.

Being present.

Listening instead of immediately defending ourselves.

And understanding that just because we have been sober for a day, a year, ten years or decades doesn't mean the people we hurt are required to forget everything that happened before.

Trust gets rebuilt slowly.

Not through speeches.

Through Tuesday afternoons.

Phone calls.

Showing up when we said we would.

Listening when they need to talk.

Admitting when we're wrong.

And doing it again tomorrow.

One of the greatest gifts recovery has given me is the chance to keep becoming a better father.

Not a perfect one.

There is no Tenth Step that turns us into Ward Cleaver overnight.

Just a person who is willing to look at themselves, admit when they get it wrong and try to do better the next time.

That's recovery too.