Gratitude Isn't Pretending Everything Is Wonderful

Gratitude is one of those words in recovery that can occasionally annoy the shit out of me. 😂

Especially when somebody tells me I should be grateful while I'm pissed off about something.

“Make a gratitude list.”

Really?

I'm aggravated, something isn't going the way I want, my brain has already constructed seventeen different worst-case scenarios, and now you want me to write down that I'm grateful for trees?

😂

But over the years I've learned that gratitude isn't pretending everything is wonderful.

It isn't walking around with a fake smile.

It doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be angry, worried, disappointed, frustrated or scared.

It just means those things aren't the entire story.

That's a big difference.

When I was drinking, my world got smaller and smaller.

Everything revolved around alcohol.

When could I drink?

Did I have enough?

Where was I going?

How was I getting home?

What did I do last night?

Who did I piss off?

What did I say?

How bad is this going to be?

That isn't freedom.

That's a prison where you happen to carry the key around in your own pocket.

Today my life is completely different.

And most of the things I'm grateful for aren't huge dramatic miracles.

They're actually pretty boring.

And that's exactly what makes them so incredible.

I can wake up in the morning and know what I did the night before.

I can answer my phone without immediately wondering what somebody wants from me or what I did.

I can drive somewhere without worrying about whether I should be driving.

I can make plans and actually show up.

People can depend on me.

My family knows where I am.

If I tell somebody I'm going to do something, most of the time I actually do it.

And when I don't, it's because I'm human, not because I disappeared into a bottle.

That might not sound like much to somebody who has never lived the other way.

To me, it's enormous.

Sometimes gratitude is sitting on the couch with Kris watching some stupid TV show.

Nothing exciting is happening.

Nobody is taking pictures.

Nobody is posting it on Facebook.

We're just sitting there.

Together.

Peacefully.

There was a time in my life when peaceful wasn't something I knew how to do.

Chaos felt normal.

Now quiet feels pretty damn good.

I'm grateful for my kids.

I'm grateful that they love me.

I'm grateful that I get to know them as adults.

I'm grateful for the grandchildren and watching another generation of our family start growing up.

I'm grateful for the trips we've taken.

The dinners.

The holidays.

The ridiculous conversations.

The ordinary Sundays.

The memories that didn't seem particularly important while we were making them but somehow became incredibly important later.

I'm grateful that my family knows the person I am today.

Most of them never knew the drinking version of me.

Think about that.

There's an entire version of my life that disappeared before most of the people I love today ever knew me.

That alone is something I probably don't stop and appreciate enough.

I'm grateful for work.

Although there have definitely been mornings when “grateful” was not the first word that came to mind. 😂

I'm grateful I've been able to support my family.

I'm grateful I've been able to try new things.

Build things.

Make mistakes.

Start businesses.

Come up with ideas that work and plenty that don't.

I'm grateful I still get excited about what might be next.

At 59 years old, I'm still thinking about new projects, new places I want to go, things I want to make and experiences I haven't had yet.

That's pretty cool.

But gratitude doesn't mean everything in my life is perfect.

Far from it.

There are things I worry about.

Things that piss me off.

Things I wish were different.

People I miss.

Decisions I question.

And plenty of things completely outside my control that I would happily reorganize if God would just hand me the clipboard for five minutes. 😂

Apparently, He has decided against that.

Probably wise.

Gratitude doesn't make those things disappear.

It just keeps me from forgetting everything else.

Because it's very easy for one problem to become my entire field of vision.

I can have 99 things going right and become completely obsessed with the one thing going wrong.

My brain has always had a special talent for that.

Gratitude widens the picture.

It reminds me:

Yes, this sucks.

But this is also true.

And this.

And this.

And look at everything that happened because I didn't drink.

That's the part that still amazes me.

I didn't build this life overnight.

There wasn't one giant moment when everything suddenly became okay.

It happened quietly.

One sober day.

Then another.

Then another.

A job.

A relationship.

A marriage.

Kids growing up.

Family vacations.

Grandchildren.

Sitting on the couch watching television with the person you love.

A normal life.

For somebody who once lived in complete chaos, normal can be absolutely beautiful.

So today I don't have to manufacture gratitude.

I don't have to force myself to feel happy.

I just have to stop occasionally and look around.

Because almost everything I once wanted alcohol to give me...

Peace.

Confidence.

Connection.

Belonging.

The ability to be comfortable in my own skin.

Alcohol never really gave me any of it.

Sobriety did.

Very slowly.

Sometimes painfully.

And certainly not on my preferred schedule. 😂

But it did.

And when I look at it that way, I have a hell of a lot to be grateful for.