No Is a Complete Sentence

For a long time, I had a problem saying no.

Not because I wanted to do everything.

Half the time I absolutely did not want to do it. 😂

But I wanted people to like me.

I didn't want anyone disappointed in me.

I didn't want somebody thinking I was selfish, difficult or unwilling to help.

So I would say yes.

Then five minutes later I'd be thinking:

Why the hell did I agree to this?

😂

And here's the really ridiculous part.

Sometimes I would actually become resentful at the person I said yes to.

They didn't force me.

They asked.

I said yes.

Then somehow they became the villain because now I had to do the thing I volunteered to do.

That is some impressive alcoholic mathematics.

Recovery has taught me that people-pleasing and being helpful are not the same thing.

Helping someone because I genuinely want to help is one thing.

Saying yes because I'm terrified somebody might not like me if I say no is something completely different.

One comes from generosity.

The other usually comes from fear.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of confrontation.

Fear of disappointing somebody.

Fear of what people will think about me.

And if I'm constantly changing myself depending on who is standing in front of me, sooner or later I don't even know what I actually want anymore.

AA talks a lot about honesty.

For me, honesty isn't only about telling the truth when somebody asks me a question.

Sometimes honesty sounds like:

"No, I can't do that."

"I don't have the time."

"I don't agree."

"I'm not comfortable with that."

"I already have too much going on."

Or simply:

"No."

Apparently that is a complete sentence.

This was disturbing news to someone who could turn a simple refusal into a nine-minute closing argument. 😂

"No, because I have this thing, and then I have to go there, and maybe afterward, unless something changes, and I really wish I could..."

Just stop.

No.

The world continues spinning.

Nobody bursts into flames.

Most people move on with their day.

And the people who become angry because I established a reasonable boundary?

That tells me something too.

Recovery has also taught me that boundaries aren't about controlling what somebody else does.

They're about deciding what I am willing to participate in.

That's a huge difference.

I can't control whether somebody likes my answer.

I can control whether my answer is honest.

That becomes especially important in service.

AA can give us endless opportunities to help.

Commitments.

Meetings.

Phone calls.

Helping newcomers.

Setting up.

Cleaning up.

Speaking.

Sponsoring.

And all of that can be incredibly rewarding.

But I don't believe recovery asks me to say yes to absolutely everything until I'm exhausted and secretly pissed off at everybody.

That isn't service.

That's resentment with a coffee commitment. 😂

Sometimes the responsible thing is saying:

"I can't take that on right now."

Because when I say yes to too many things, eventually something suffers.

My family.

My work.

My other commitments.

My peace.

Or the very thing I volunteered to do.

I'd rather honestly say no than enthusiastically say yes and then do a half-assed job because I never had the time in the first place.

There's also another uncomfortable part of people-pleasing.

Sometimes I'm not being nice.

I'm trying to control how you see me.

I want you to think I'm helpful.

I want you to think I'm generous.

I want you to think I'm a good guy.

That's still control.

Just dressed better.

I cannot manage everybody's opinion of me.

Trust me, I've tried. 😂

Some people will like me.

Some won't.

Some people will misunderstand me.

Some people will think I'm wrong.

Some people probably think I'm an asshole.

Statistically, somebody has to. 😂

And today I can survive that.

That's freedom too.

I don't have to collect approval like votes in an election.

My worth doesn't rise every time somebody likes me and crash every time somebody doesn't.

After all these years, I'm still learning the difference between helping because it's the right thing to do and helping because I need somebody's approval.

I'm getting better at it.

Not perfect.

But better.

Today I can be kind without being a doormat.

Helpful without volunteering for everything.

Generous without abandoning myself.

And honest enough to occasionally say:

No.

No explanation.

No guilt.

No resentment later because I agreed to something I never wanted to do in the first place.

Just no.

Who knew two letters could require this much recovery? 😂