SOMETIMES IT'S A BITCH BEING HUMAN

Sometimes it’s a bitch being human.

We make stupid decisions—or, more accurately, decisions that are wrong for our current circumstances. Then, instead of taking responsibility, we blame someone else for whatever we did or created.

It’s easy. It’s lazy.

And we do it anyway.

Because God forbid we take an honest look at our own shortcomings.

For years, even in sobriety, I blamed other people whenever things went wrong in my life.

Because, you know, I’m always right. 🤣

One of my more glaring defects was the way I treated people who worked for me.

I owned an irrigation and landscaping company, and if I could go back in time, I would handle many things very differently. Even when I had been sober for 15 or 20 years—when I was supposedly all sober and serene—I could behave like a tyrant.

If an employee did something I considered stupid, I would rage.

My behavior became so bad that multiple people quit. Naturally, I blamed them. I justified myself by saying they didn’t know how to work hard or were just fucking stupid.

I would share these situations with friends in AA, but I usually presented my side of the story in a way that made me sound right. Most people would agree with me.

“Yeah, fuck ’em.”

Perfect. That was exactly what I wanted to hear.

The funny thing is that I wasn’t always an asshole. After acting out, I usually knew that my behavior had been irrational, and I would apologize.

Many of the guys who worked for me learned to go with the flow.

Some quit.

Others told me to go fuck myself.

Oddly enough, those were the moments that could snap me back into reality. Someone standing up to me forced me to see that I was behaving like an angry child instead of a grown man.

That wasn’t easy to swallow after being sober for 15 or 20 years.

I was supposed to be peaceful, serene and practically God-like by then. I shouldn’t have had a care in the world.

Yeah, that fantasy has never been part of my story, and it probably never will be.

There have been many times when I felt ashamed of my behavior. But eventually, I started taking responsibility for the way I acted. I stopped automatically making excuses for my shortcomings.

Maybe that is why I don’t act out nearly as much today.

Now, that doesn’t mean I have become the perfect sober person.

I’m still human, and I continue striving to become a better one.

I still argue even when I know it is pointless—especially with my wife. Most of the time, everything would go much more smoothly if I simply kept my mouth shut.

That just doesn’t seem to be in my nature.

Or maybe I secretly enjoy the controversy. 🤣

What I have come to accept is that I am a human being who happens to be an alcoholic. Sobriety did not remove every defect, eliminate every emotion or make me behave perfectly.

It gave me the ability to recognize my behavior, take responsibility and try to do better.

I surrendered to my alcoholism many, many moons ago. That may be one reason I find it relatively easy to stay sober today.

My wife’s ex-husband asked me about it while we were vacationing together. We were unloading the car, which contained bottles of wine, vodka and those seltzers the kids drink.

He asked if being around alcohol bothered me.

I answered honestly.

“Not even a little.”

It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. At this point, I barely think about it.

I surrendered.

I wholeheartedly accept that I cannot safely drink alcohol or use any type of drug. There is nothing left to debate, negotiate or test.

That acceptance is freeing in the greatest possible way.

It doesn’t mean I wander around bars or spend all my time with people who are drinking. But if I have a legitimate reason to be somewhere, I no longer have to deny myself the opportunity to participate in life because I’m afraid I might drink.

That freedom did not happen overnight.

I did not always feel this way. It took years and years of attending meetings daily and becoming involved in AA in ways that went far beyond simply showing up.

I don’t like saying that I worked for my sobriety as though it were something I earned. But I did invest the time and effort necessary to do the things that helped me get and remain sober.

Surrender did not make me weak.

It ended the fight.

I no longer waste energy trying to figure out how, when or where I might safely drink again. I already know the answer.

I can’t.

So, as my sponsor Bob used to say, “Let’s keep it simple and wear life like a loose garment.”

That is what I strive to do each day.

Most of the time, I can now catch myself before I blow my top.

Most of the time. 🤣

Being human will always leave me capable of acting out and behaving inappropriately. It is my responsibility to remain aware of that and continue trying to become a better sober human being.

Acceptance doesn’t mean I approve of everything I’ve done.

It means I stop lying about who dropped the jar.

Then I clean up the mess and keep moving forward.

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