SUFFER WELL, MY FRIEND

Unfortunately, pain is the great motivator for many of us.

For the most part, I didn’t learn much unless there was some pain involved. The suggestions of AA were given to us for a reason. They came from people who had already traveled the road we were attempting to walk.

Of course, we thought we knew better.

Then we suffered because of our own ignorant decisions.

When I insisted on doing things my way, my sponsor would look at me and say, “Suffer well, my friend.”

It took me a while to figure out what the hell he was talking about.

He wasn’t wishing suffering upon me. He knew I had already been given the necessary information. If I chose to ignore it, there wasn’t much more he could say.

Sometimes we learn from the wisdom of others.

Sometimes we have to stick our hand directly into the fire.

If I was determined to learn the painful way, all he could do was wish me well while I suffered.

After spending some time in AA, we begin to have choices again. We start getting sober, our heads clear, and we become capable of making decisions.

That can be a dangerous moment for some of us.

Our confidence returns, followed closely by our egos and pride. Before long, we begin convincing ourselves that we no longer need guidance from anyone.

At least that’s what happened to me.

I started making life decisions that I probably wouldn’t have made if I had discussed them with somebody wiser than myself. I can’t say I always recognized when I was veering off the path, but I definitely had what I call a belly barometer.

That knot in my stomach usually told me something wasn’t right.

It was my body suggesting that perhaps I should stop, pick up the phone, and talk to somebody before moving forward.

There were plenty of times when people asked how I was doing and I told them I was fine.

Then that old AA definition of “fine” would immediately pop into my head:

Fucked up.

Insecure.

Neurotic.

Emotional.

Yup. I was fine. 🤣

To this day, some of those old acronyms still appear in my head exactly when I need them.

There were times when I listened to my belly barometer and called someone. There were also times when I ignored it and suffered well.

Sometimes I worked through situations with the help of other people. Sometimes I worked through them on my own. What I will say is that it took a very long time before working through major problems alone was ever a good idea for me.

I still need help navigating life today.

I just don’t need help with every little decision anymore.

After all these years, I’ve learned to trust that feeling in my stomach. Most of us know when we are doing something we probably shouldn’t be doing. We may pretend otherwise, but somewhere inside, we know.

We aren’t a stupid bunch.

In fact, intelligence can be one of our problems.

Intelligent people can create extremely convincing arguments for some incredibly stupid decisions. We begin believing that we know better simply because we can explain our thinking.

I’m not sure exactly when I surrendered to the fact that I’m just another garden-variety human being and that I really don’t know better all the time.

Today, I ask for help when I need it.

My pride and ego still get in the way occasionally, but for the most part, I reach out. I believe one reason I can do that today is because of all the practice I had in the beginning.

That is why newcomers are encouraged to pick up the phone every day.

It’s why we suggest going to meetings, raising your hand, speaking honestly, and allowing other people to know what’s happening inside your head.

You aren’t only helping yourself in that moment. You may be helping someone else who needs to hear exactly what you have to say.

Beyond that, you’re preparing yourself for the inevitable crisis that eventually comes with being alive.

Nobody gets through life unscathed.

There may be a job loss, the death of a pet, the loss of a sibling, or even the unimaginable loss of a child.

This life is beautiful and wondrous.

It can also be absolutely fucking brutal.

We practice reaching out during the ordinary days so we know how to do it when life knocks the wind out of us. We build those connections before the crisis because attempting to create a support system while everything is falling apart is a lot harder.

So, when you feel like complaining, pissing and moaning about calling your sponsor or going to another meeting, remember that your lovely affliction is still there waiting.

It is patient.

I have watched people refuse every suggestion because they were convinced they knew better. Some suffered well for a long time. Some bopped in and out of AA. Others eventually disappeared.

There are exceptions to every rule, but I finally decided that the people who came before me might possess some wisdom that could help me.

More importantly, I wanted what they had.

I wanted their peace.

I wanted their ability to experience difficulty without completely falling apart. I wanted to be able to live through pain without drinking over it.

Eventually, I became willing to stop arguing and follow a few suggestions.

It only took about five years to get my marbles back—and another five years to learn how to use them. 🤣

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