THE PROMISE I DIDN'T KEEP

When I read today’s Reflection, my first reaction was that we had just covered this.

We recently talked about rebuilding trust and how sobriety gives the people around us evidence that we have changed. This felt almost like the same Reflection wearing a different shirt.

Then I remembered something.

Maybe it needed to be repeated.

I got sober at 21 years old. Because I have been sober for nearly my entire adult life, I don’t have many stories about rebuilding trust after years of adult relationships destroyed by drinking.

When I entered the workforce sober, I was trustworthy.

I showed up and did my job. If I told someone I would be somewhere, I was there. When I said I would do something, I generally followed through.

Generally.

There is one instance in my sober life when I made a promise and did not keep it.

It involved a business transaction more than 25 years ago. It was a barter arrangement. A man completed some work for me, and in return, I agreed to do something for him.

He kept his side of the agreement.

I never kept mine.

I obviously still feel shitty about it because here I am, more than 25 years later, writing about it.

The memory doesn’t consume my life, but it returns occasionally. It reminds me that I did not do the right thing.

Not partially.

Not because the circumstances changed.

Not because he misunderstood our agreement.

I was wrong.

One hundred percent.

Funny how life has a way of reminding us that we are not perfect and never will be.

I never discussed the situation with a sponsor or even a friend. I didn’t ask for guidance or try to make it right. I simply allowed enough time to pass that the incident faded into the background.

But fading is not the same as disappearing.

This is the kind of unresolved guilt that can become dangerous for an alcoholic. Something we did wrong gets buried, resurfaces when we are vulnerable and begins whispering that we are still the same selfish person we always feared we were.

I consider myself fortunate that I never drank over it.

Over time, I have made a certain amount of peace with the fact that what is done is done. I don’t remember the man’s name, and I have no idea where I would find him today.

That doesn’t make what I did right.

It means I cannot change it today.

But life is funny.

This person could somehow walk back into my life tomorrow. The universe has placed people and opportunities in front of me at exactly the right moment more than once.

If that happens, I need to be ready.

I need to apologize without defending myself, explain what I remember and offer to make the situation right however I reasonably can.

I don’t need to prepare a grand speech.

I simply need to tell the truth:

“You did what you promised to do for me, and I failed to do what I promised for you. I was wrong.”

Then I need to listen.

That is what making amends requires. It isn’t proving that I am a good person today. It is accepting that I failed someone then and being willing to repair the damage if the opportunity presents itself.

So, like I have said before, I’m no saint.

I have made plenty of mistakes throughout my sober journey. Staying sober did not remove my ability to be selfish, dishonest, fearful or irresponsible.

Sometimes being human is hard.

We don’t always do what is right—even when we know better and even when we have years of sobriety.

The difference today is that I don’t have to run from that truth.

As sober men and women in and around AA, we should remain mindful of our actions. We should also remain willing to make amends when life gives us the opportunity.

I truly believe those opportunities come.

The universe has shown me more than once that an unfinished piece of my past can suddenly appear in my present.

When that moment arrives, it will be up to me to recognize it.

Then I can either protect my pride or make things right.

Hopefully, after all these years, I’ll be ready to choose correctly.

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