WE FUCKED OUR FAMILIES UP

I wasn't married when I first got sober. I was 21 years old and living back home with Mom and Dad.

Thank God they were willing to take me in.

They honestly had no idea how extensive my addictions had become. What I dealt with most in those early days was my mother worrying about whether I would stay sober.

If I came home late from a meeting, I could see the fear on her face. I could sense that she wasn't sure whether I had really been at a meeting or whether I had been drinking or doing other dry goods.

My parents were extremely supportive and did everything they could to help me. Because I was young and unmarried, I didn't face the same level of mistrust as someone with a spouse and children who had spent years disappearing for days at a time.

That creates an entirely different level of damage.

I'm going to say something that may make some people uncomfortable:

We gave our families PTSD.

We fucked them up.

Your spouse, children, parents and siblings may have watched you destroy yourself for years. They lived through the disappearing acts, lies, broken promises, missing money, arguments, phone calls and nights spent wondering whether you were alive.

Then somehow, we expect them to magically put all of that behind them because we have been sober for 30 days.

Here's the wake-up call:

We beat our loved ones to death with our nonsense. They may eventually trust us again, but it probably won't happen in 30, 60 or 90 days.

It may take years to repair some of those relationships.

Keep your expectations low and concentrate on doing the work necessary to stay sober. Hopefully, the people who love you will also get the help they need—because they need help too.

Although that is probably the last thing you should announce to them when you first get sober.

“Listen, I know I drank, drugged and caused all this carnage, but you're pretty fucked up too, you know.”

Yeah, that probably isn't going over too well in any house. 🤣

Take care of yourself. Stay sober and work on your side of the street. You may be surprised by how much better the people around you begin to feel.

Hell, you may discover that your significant other has already been seeking help for years.

You were just too fucked up to notice.

My parents bought a summer home and used it for approximately three years—and I had no idea.

The truth is, I didn't give a shit where they were going. If I happened to ask, I wasn't listening to the answer anyway.

All I knew was that the house would be empty. I could come and go as I pleased without Mom asking me a million questions.

That is how small my world had become.

My parents had purchased an entire house, spent their summers there and built memories together. Meanwhile, I barely noticed because the only life that interested me was my own.

Stopping drinking did not instantly transform me into a considerate, trustworthy human being.

That took time.

Making amends is not simply finding someone, apologizing for what we did and expecting everything to return to normal. Amends require change, and that change does not happen overnight either.

People need to see us tell the truth when lying would be easier.

They need to see us come home when we said we would.

They need to watch us keep promises, accept responsibility and behave differently—not for a week or a month, but consistently over time.

We don't get to decide when someone else should trust us again.

Our job is to stop drinking, go to meetings, keep our side of the street clean and make amends to the best of our ability.

Then we keep moving forward.

One honest day becomes 30 days. Thirty days become a year. The years begin stacking up, and eventually our recent history becomes stronger than the memories of who we used to be.

Before you know it, you're almost 60 years old, surrounded by children and grandchildren, wondering where all the time went.

Keep it simple.

Stay sober.

Change your behavior.

Give the people you hurt enough time to believe what your life is showing them.

soberthroughtheyears.com

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